Friday, January 11, 2013

The one about kids.

So, kids. Let's talk about kids today.

Anyone who has known me for more than a week or so knows my stance on kids. The conversation I have with a new acquaintance eventually steers into this direction (presumably because I'm twenty-eight years old and newly married): 

Them: So do you have kid--
Me: Nope.
Them: Oh.

Sometimes people respect and understand that. Sometimes they can't wrap their head around it and they demand reasons and/or try to convince me that I'll change my mind one day (and that I'll regret it if I don't have them) (seriously, ladies, most annoying statement ever). Most of the time those people ask questions that they have no business asking. 

Are you going to have them? Don't you want them? What about your husband? Why?

First of all, stop talking to me like I'm broken.  Secondly, the answers, in their respective orders, follow. Not planning on it. Not really. He feels the same way I do (we did talk about these things pre-nuptial, you know). And because (not that it's any of your business) I think children should be brought into this world because they're wanted, not because kids are "the next logical" step in a marriage, not because someone has been ignorant in regards to the plethora of birth control options out there, and not because a relationship is irrevocably screwed up and it's the last chance for normalcy. Call me cynical, but I believe about half (and I'm guessing conservatively, mind you) of the births that occur are due to one of those three reasons. Kids deserve better circumstances than that. They deserve love and choice and commitment.

Delving a little deeper into the why question, and I'm being 100% honest with you guys here, I am a selfish person sometimes. I'm a newlywed, and I am still starry-eyed and blissfully in love with J, and I want him to myself right now and for the foreseeable future. In addition to that, as I've mentioned previously, I fully enjoy alone time. I have plenty of unwritten words inside of me and piles of unconsumed media surrounding me; I do not get bored. I don't feel as if anything is missing from my life. I'm whole.

Now, that being said -- I adore kids. I do. Promise. Ask any of my friends who have kiddos, despite my 6-month aversion to holding them while they're still scrunchy-faced and fragile newborns who lack neck control, I coo and I squeal and I pregnant-belly-rub (with the mother's permission, of course) and I compulsively buy baby-shower gifts with the best of them. I am down for coloring books and puzzle time and peek-a-boo and video games and action figure dudes all day long. Hell, fairly recently, a friendship I'd had for years came to a screeching halt and I miss the kid more than I miss the parent. True story.

I get why people want kids, so I don't ask them why they choose to have them. They're fun to be around, and they're full of wonder and innocence and hilarity.  You couldn't buy better entertainment. I'm sure it's a fulfilling event, to create this tiny little person and then watch them learn and grow over the years, to see their personalities develop, to guide them through highs and lows. Parenting is hard work and if all goes well then you can rest assured and be proud of the fact that you've raised a productive member of society. I get it. It's remarkable and I commend those of you who have kids and who are selfless super parents.

I just wish people would stop nagging me about why I don't want them. I'm not saying it'll never change, because there's a reason that the term "ticking biological clock" exists (and there's a reason I've got names in mind for both sexes, just in case), but right now, I'm great, thanks. Bring the kid over when you and the hubs need a date night -- I can handle it for a few hours (as long as J is here; he's more maternal than I am) -- but I'm not ready to full-on commit to a tiny helpless being who is completely dependent on me for life., I mean, I've got a lot of kick-ass toys and I'm not willing to share those just yet.

But you know. Maybe some day.

In the future.



  1. As I have always said (which of course you know) You should have an internal need to make a little you. If you do not, you shouldn't. and that's totally cool.

    Even tho Teddy is my life now and I take OMGZOMANYFOTOS, I'm still me. Im a gamer, I sell TVs, I draw, I'm married, and I also have children. I think that's how it should be, and sadly some people think you have to change completely to have kids.

    I will say this, tho. Your statistics are a bit skewed...I think it's more 70% due to WHAT CHOO MEAN THATS HOW BABIES ARE MADE?

    Atleast down here in good ol' Alabama.

    I hope you ever thought I judged your kid stance. I never thought you judged me when i went DO I OR DON'T I OMG I DONT KNOW. :)

    Also, personally? I will never understand how people who are not close to you and can for all intensive purposes be considered types of strangers think they can judge others. That's how wars happen. Just saying. :)

  2. I really respect you for knowing where you stand and not being afraid to say so...though you're right, it's no one's business, really. I am pushing 30 and totally WANT kids, but we just haven't gotten to that part of our lives yet. Even after 4 years of marriage, I am still "starry-eyed and blissfully in love" with my husband too, so until the time feels more right for bringing kiddos into our world, I am 100% happy with being "selfish". And why shouldn't we be? :)

  3. I couldn't agree more with you. Everything you said makes absolute sense, and I completely respect the fact that you know who you are and what you want. Honestly, I would rather see people not have children than bring a child in to this world in poor circumstances. I'm not afraid to admit (as a mom) that there are days where I desperately miss the freedom that I had before I had kids. Like you, I really enjoyed time to myself. I seldom get to do half of the things I used to do, and I miss it so much. I look forward to one day being able to have that freedom once again, when my children are older and not quite so dependent. I also zero desire right now to have anymore kids for a while for that reason, although it seems like everyone around me is trying to have more kids.

    I don't see a thing wrong with a person not wanting to have children. One of my favorite aunts is in her 40s and doesn't have any kids, nor does she ever want to have kids. I respect that. There are some people who want to be parents, and some people who don't want to be parents. It's just a matter of preference. Everyone as different. I don't think that everyone should be expected to aspire to have kids.


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