Be Calm

Throw a Beatles "Abbey Road" blanket over this girl and you've got a fairly accurate representation of my Sunday.

In the last few days, I've started about five different posts and I've scrapped them all. Words are fickle and feel jumbled in my head. To quote the wondrous John Green, my thoughts are stars that I cannot fathom into constellations.

I can't keep my head straight. I can't stay focused. I've backspaced and retyped where I'm going with this paragraph six times already.

I checked out some books from the library last week and they remain unread.
I rented Moonrise Kingdom (which I have been wanting to see for months) and I returned it unwatched.

Yesterday was more productive, at least. I straightened up the apartment as much as possible, loaded the donation piles into my car to get them out of our living room floor, packed a few more things away for the move, and then ended up at my parents' house (with a giant container of potato soup that J made for Dad since he can't eat solid food right now). Scrubbed their bathrooms from floor to ceiling, washed dishes, took care of the cat's food dishes and litter box. J even installed a toilet in their bathroom since their toilet had decided to go kaput earlier in the day.

They've been trying a few localized radiation treatments around the tumor growing around Dad's artery -- the one that's preventing normal blood flow to and from his arm -- and as a result of those treatments, Dad's throat is basically raw. Sometimes he can chew, sometimes he can't. Sometimes warm liquids hurt him, sometimes cold liquids hurt him. He can talk, but just barely a whispered rasp. He can't sleep, because the medication he's on causes him to jerk uncontrollably, almost like he has Parkinson's, so between the shaking and the oxygen nubbins in his nose, he just simply cannot get comfortable. Sometimes he nods off sitting straight up, and then his head drops and he startles awake. On top of all that, I don't believe the radiation is helping -- his arm is getting more and more swollen, and the skin has begun to split and "weep" (which is the medical term, apparently, for leaking retained water and blood) so Mom has had to apply ointment to the stretched/cracked places and keep it bandaged at all times. The doctor has given them a prescription for a hospital bed, just in case he could rest better in an adjustable bed, but Mom hasn't filled it yet. I think our next course of action will be to rearrange a couple of rooms and figure out where to put it.

They've got a day-long marathon of doctor appointments tomorrow. I think Mom is going to broach the subject of hospice care with both the oncologists and the primary care physician to see if that's a possibility. He absolutely cannot be left on his own at this stage, that's for sure. You all know that I'm not the type to say things like this, good vibes would be welcome (and thank you to those of you who have already been thinking of us).

I can't even believe it's nearly 1am. I honestly have no idea where this day has gone. Hours of internet-hopping and watching J play Assassin's Creed III, I suppose.

I should get to bed. I think I'll listen to fun. for a while before. Cheesy though it may be, "Be Calm" really does help me when I'm on the edge of anxiety.

Be calm, be calm
I know you feel like you are breakin' down
Oh I know
That it gets so hard sometimes
Be calm...

What kind of songs soothe you and help you space out when you need it? Help a sister out and shoot me some recommendations. I'll make a mix.

All my love, guys.

Everybody Everybody Wants to Love ♥

Okay, so, I know this is going to shock the heck out of all of you, but I have not been a mushy-gushy-disgustingly-googly-eyed newlywed for my entire life.

I mean, I've had relationships. I had all of the stereotypical relationships that one is "supposed" to experience -- The High-School Sweetheart, The Work Fling, The College Mistake, The Rebound, The Pseudo Relationship ... you name it, I've pretty much been there, done that, gotten (and burned) the t-shirt. In the glorious time periods between those, however, I was single.

I would love to sit here and tell you guys that being single was all awesome, all the time, and that it never bothered me to be single, but my pantaloons would be ablaze.  I am, after all, a girl, and even though 90% of the time I was perfectly content with curling up in bed with my cat at the end of the day, the other 10% of the time I enjoyed a self-thrown pity party complete with damaging questions such as "what's wrong with me?" and "why is this person with someone and I'm not?" 

This post is for those of you who are currently battling such questions. First off, and I cannot possibly stress this enough, there is nothing wrong with you. You are awesome.

Recently, a friend of mine has been going through baby-and-bridal-shower overload (there should be a term for this; it happens to the majority of women in their mid-twenties, from what I've observed) and she told me that she just didn't get it -- the girls at the bridal showers (younger than her and married) were complaining about their husbands' high sex drives, boasting that they told their husbands what they could and could not wear, laughing because they didn't even know what to do with their shiny new casserole dishes because they couldn't cook, and so on. My friend couldn't understand why women like that were so desirable and she wasn't (because my friend is a smart, sexy, healthy-food-cookin', craft-makin', clothes-sewing goddess). My answer to her was that some men like to be controlled instead of respected, and even though I absolutely don't understand that relationship dynamic either, it's what works for some couples.

Here's the thing, you are single because the particular person that is out there waiting to love and appreciate you the way you want and deserve hasn't shown up yet. He's a little late to the party and you're probably upset now but once he arrives you'll forget you were ever mad at him for his tardiness.

While you await The One's arrival, observe other people around you. We all know people who got married "because it's the next step" instead of "because we're in love" and we all know people who got married because they wanted a crazy-huge, expensive party (or ring). We all know people who would rather stick with anyone than be alone. It isn't because they're bad people, it's because they didn't think things through as thoroughly as they ought to before making that kind of commitment so now most of those people are unhappy. Societal pressure is brutal; somewhere along the line "single" became synonymous with "unworthy" and that's complete bullshit. Don't listen to that junk; it'll eat you alive. You're single because you're a strong person, because you don't need just anyone to make you happy, because you know what you want. We seek the definition of love that complements our own, and since there are many different types of love (explained by psychologists John Lee and Robert Sternberg), finding someone who will fully understand and fulfill our specific needs might take some patience.

It's okay to have a general outline in your head for things you want to happen in your life, but just take a deep breath when you encounter a hiccup in those plans. I never thought I would get married -- I actually never wanted to get married -- and yet here I am. Having someone completely turn my world (and my plans) upside-down has never been so blissful.

The way I see it is this: the more frogs you kiss, the clearer the Princes of the world become. You learn quickly who is worth a shot and who isn't. You don't mince words, you don't string anyone along out of guilt or obligation, you don't hold on to the ridiculous notion that you'll be able to change them (ugh, why do we even go through that phase, anyway?), and you learn more about yourself and what you want. I know I certainly did; J and I went from first date to marriage in six months because we both had enough life experience behind us that we both realized very quickly that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. All my life, I had scoffed at people who said when you know, you know but take it from this former cynic -- it's true. If it hasn't clicked for you just yet, if you don't know just yet, then perhaps it isn't yet your time.  Be patient, take a deep breath, and try not to let it get you down. Awesome people like you do not go unnoticed for long.

Nobody is perfect

Here's what some people don't understand -- flaws, like beauty, are largely in the eye of the beholder.

I've been thinking about this for quite a while, the introspection spurred by several events. Some of them are my own experiences and some of them are others' that I have observed. So many times, people are so hurt that you either think or operate differently than they do, they will think of you as flawed. Even worse than that, they'll try to convince you of it, too.

I'm here to tell you that it isn't true.

I'm here to tell you that sometimes it's okay to be selfish. There's a difference between being selfish and being self-centered in that selfish can be temporary, whereas self-centered rarely is. Sometimes you're worn down by constant demands that are made by loved ones and/or coworkers. Hell, sometimes you demand too much of yourself. It's okay to take a step back and breathe, because here's something that took me too damn long to learn -- it's okay to say "no" to people. You can say no to hanging out if you want to stay in. You can say no to a phone conversation if you know that you'll just be dead air to the other end of the line. You can say no to favors. If your friends know you well enough, they'll back off. They know as well as you do that if they had a crisis in the middle of the night, you'd still show up with no hesitation. Needing time to yourself is not synonymous with being a jerk.

It's okay to re-prioritize your life even though some people may not make the cut... and it's okay not to miss those people, too. Usually it means you've made the right decision. You'll get nostalgic occasionally, but it's mostly nostalgia for the fun or the happiness you had with the people in question. In our everlasting instinct to want to think the best of people, our memories turn to the happy times when we reminisce. If you've ever been upset over the end of a crappy relationship, you know how this goes. People change. You change. As the age-old proverb goes, change is the only constant.

Speaking of which, it's okay to change. You are not betraying anyone by growing as a person (and if they act like it is a betrayal, seriously, it's time to re-evaluate your social circle). Life is too short to pretend to be something or someone you're not just to appease other people or keep from hurting their feelings. Some people want to travel, others are homebodies. Some people want to get married, some will never get out of their party animal stage. Some people want kids, some people don't. Some people need friends outside of their marriage, others are perfectly content with their spouse and their family.  It's okay to be any of these things, as long as you don't lie to others -- or yourself -- about who you really are and where your heart truly is.

Last, but certainly not least, it is okay to be blissfully happy -- and SHOW it. This should be a "duh" but I find so many people being Debbie Downers in response to other people's happiness lately.  As a sweet friend of mine said recently, you may as well be waving an enormous flag that says, "I'm miserable!" when you put down someone else simply for being happy. If someone is incandescently happy, don't you think you should be happy for them too?  Don't you think that they might have walked through the fires of hell to get to their happiness? Don't you think that if you focused a little bit more on yourself and how to escape your struggles that you'd eventually find your own happiness (and want to shout about it from the rooftops)?  I mean, I know it takes less effort to sit, sulk, and snark (and if that's what you choose to do, then I sincerely pity you) ... but what will you ever truly accomplish with your life if that's your attitude toward someone you claim to love who is happy?

So, that little tangent over with, here are my faults.

• I prefer the company of my husband over anyone else in the world. That's part of the reason I married him. I'm not sorry that I love him with my whole being. 
• I prefer not to die within ten miles of my birthplace. I want to experience somewhere new and meet other people. I don't want to commit to one place unless I have to. I'm not sorry that I want to experience other places instead of living on the same street as my entire extended family. 
• I happen to think that there are a few core rules of friendship you simply don't break, and if you do break them, you need to have the balls to own up to your shitty behavior and apologize before you're forgiven.  I'm not sorry that I have a backbone.
• I'm a radically different woman now than I was a year and a half ago. I'm an entirely different creature now than I was several years ago. This has cost me several friendships that were flaky from the beginning and a couple of family ties that made me ashamed of my own blood. I'm not sorry that I'm strong enough to cut toxic people out of my life.
• I'm posting this so that other people might read it and empathize with my point, having been there themselves. I'm not going back to edit it, tweak it, or take it down because I second-guess myself.  I'm not sorry for having an opinion.  
• ....and you shouldn't be, either.