Everybody Everybody Wants to Love ♥

Okay, so, I know this is going to shock the heck out of all of you, but I have not been a mushy-gushy-disgustingly-googly-eyed newlywed for my entire life.

I mean, I've had relationships. I had all of the stereotypical relationships that one is "supposed" to experience -- The High-School Sweetheart, The Work Fling, The College Mistake, The Rebound, The Pseudo Relationship ... you name it, I've pretty much been there, done that, gotten (and burned) the t-shirt. In the glorious time periods between those, however, I was single.

I would love to sit here and tell you guys that being single was all awesome, all the time, and that it never bothered me to be single, but my pantaloons would be ablaze.  I am, after all, a girl, and even though 90% of the time I was perfectly content with curling up in bed with my cat at the end of the day, the other 10% of the time I enjoyed a self-thrown pity party complete with damaging questions such as "what's wrong with me?" and "why is this person with someone and I'm not?" 

This post is for those of you who are currently battling such questions. First off, and I cannot possibly stress this enough, there is nothing wrong with you. You are awesome.

Recently, a friend of mine has been going through baby-and-bridal-shower overload (there should be a term for this; it happens to the majority of women in their mid-twenties, from what I've observed) and she told me that she just didn't get it -- the girls at the bridal showers (younger than her and married) were complaining about their husbands' high sex drives, boasting that they told their husbands what they could and could not wear, laughing because they didn't even know what to do with their shiny new casserole dishes because they couldn't cook, and so on. My friend couldn't understand why women like that were so desirable and she wasn't (because my friend is a smart, sexy, healthy-food-cookin', craft-makin', clothes-sewing goddess). My answer to her was that some men like to be controlled instead of respected, and even though I absolutely don't understand that relationship dynamic either, it's what works for some couples.

Here's the thing, you are single because the particular person that is out there waiting to love and appreciate you the way you want and deserve hasn't shown up yet. He's a little late to the party and you're probably upset now but once he arrives you'll forget you were ever mad at him for his tardiness.

While you await The One's arrival, observe other people around you. We all know people who got married "because it's the next step" instead of "because we're in love" and we all know people who got married because they wanted a crazy-huge, expensive party (or ring). We all know people who would rather stick with anyone than be alone. It isn't because they're bad people, it's because they didn't think things through as thoroughly as they ought to before making that kind of commitment so now most of those people are unhappy. Societal pressure is brutal; somewhere along the line "single" became synonymous with "unworthy" and that's complete bullshit. Don't listen to that junk; it'll eat you alive. You're single because you're a strong person, because you don't need just anyone to make you happy, because you know what you want. We seek the definition of love that complements our own, and since there are many different types of love (explained by psychologists John Lee and Robert Sternberg), finding someone who will fully understand and fulfill our specific needs might take some patience.

It's okay to have a general outline in your head for things you want to happen in your life, but just take a deep breath when you encounter a hiccup in those plans. I never thought I would get married -- I actually never wanted to get married -- and yet here I am. Having someone completely turn my world (and my plans) upside-down has never been so blissful.

The way I see it is this: the more frogs you kiss, the clearer the Princes of the world become. You learn quickly who is worth a shot and who isn't. You don't mince words, you don't string anyone along out of guilt or obligation, you don't hold on to the ridiculous notion that you'll be able to change them (ugh, why do we even go through that phase, anyway?), and you learn more about yourself and what you want. I know I certainly did; J and I went from first date to marriage in six months because we both had enough life experience behind us that we both realized very quickly that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. All my life, I had scoffed at people who said when you know, you know but take it from this former cynic -- it's true. If it hasn't clicked for you just yet, if you don't know just yet, then perhaps it isn't yet your time.  Be patient, take a deep breath, and try not to let it get you down. Awesome people like you do not go unnoticed for long.